What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 07:13
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
What did i know ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Who then, do I blame.?
He knew the spot.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why is social media so anti-fee speech, and have they become total BS?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But it wasn’t much.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Comes on , in middle age.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Kuorans can you write a sad story about kpop?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I said to her
I was seconnd youngest,
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Put me off passion for life!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
All the time i was locked up.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We all went to grammer schools
As i do to all so called friends.?
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He resisted the act ,that day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was in good health!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My family never makes their pension either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Would this be the day?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She married twice! .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My life is so biszare .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But, we were locked up after school.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was 9 years of age.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She loved him until the end.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ive learnt so much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were not on the streets..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why did i forgive my father ?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One cannot live in the past .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I don,t even have a pension.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She wouldn,t have been !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I will be 64.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was very sick at this time too.
And i lived it daily.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I write beautiful poetry .
I waited trembling.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I have no regrets .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
This is soul school!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I think the readers, may guess!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So, i spoilt her more .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
It was going to be , some day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Was to survive, this bastard.
She found it foreign!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im still living with it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
So whats the point in blame.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was scared of men, in general
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.